The Night

Half sitting, half laying, I stare at the pile of books by my bed - Learn American Sign Language, Forest Bathing Retreat, Archeology A Very Short Introduction, and a journal entitled, “Never Stop Exploring Adventure Awaits,” to name a few. With so many topics I’d like to explore, depression like several one-ton bags on my spirit, and my list of to do’s for tomorrow, sleep is hard to come by. Thoughts of sunlight, flowers, and trees - which are allergies in my lived life - and fantasies of alternate lives sometimes lull me to sleep, but that doesn’t set in for some time from now. As per the usual, my stomach aches as I tick off self-care goals and tasks. 

The night is for making lists, lists that bring me down when I can’t complete the tasks. How do I force myself to simply complete these somewhat small tasks? I bemoan my lack of motivation, but do I need it to get these things done? I want to focus on one at a time, but cannot. I want to feel grateful for everything I have because in the not-so-grand scheme of things, I really don’t have it that bad. Some things are just beyond your reach, I guess - at least at night with those things weighing down your spirit.