So Today I Feel

The sky is blue and the sun is shining on this frigid day - and I feel optimistic. Like every other day, though, I feel the hint of ever-deeppening sadness at the edges of my consciousness and mood. Not sure what's worse - feeling really great and then like a switch feeling as if I've been swallowed by misery or feeling better, good even, but having the bad waiting in the wings for its turn. 

But today I feel optimistic that there can be some good. It's very odd knowing that the slightest of things can change your emotional state - a blue sky, being in the presence of trees and sunshine. What does one do when their emotional state is so fragile? I keep a journal and it always seems to start with I feel. I wonder if starting my journal with I think or I want will make a difference...like saying I want to feel happy today even though I feel sad will make a difference. For some it does, but faking it 'til I make it absolutely does not work for me. Faking happy just makes me feel crappier. 

I go to church, I do yoga, I try to partake in things I love, try self care and self love to no avail. I've tried therapy - hated it - and I refuse to take meds despite knowing I probably need it. I have this big notion that if I just exercised regularly, got more sleep, and ate right, I could get away from my depression as if it were a dog chasing me down a long stretch of road. Sigh. 

So today I feel like I am tired of talking about how I feel.